(HI! Welcome to Caterpillar Steps, a newsletter by the writer and photographer Corbin Smith. Delay in dispatches, yes, probably because I’ve just felt SO GOOD lately, so happy and not at all walking around worried that my soul is going to devour my body at any second. I doubt I will employ subscriptions here, but if you like the newsletter and want to buy me a treat, you can feel free to deposit some cheddar in my Venmo account, @BigCorbs. Also please share with anyone you think might enjoy it.)
ONE: January Littlejohn. Sniff it, take in the notes of oaken pine. Swirl it around, see the legs stick. Stick your nose in the sifter and breathe deep of the name January Littlejohn. The etymology on Littlejohn is hilarious: basically means that at some point, your ancestor was a smaller of two Johns, or so fucking big that everyone called him ‘Little John’ as a joke. January is a month. There is a lack of any meaning in this name, nothing evoked aside from whiteness. It is a name that speaks to the pure disorder of people’s lives in America. Perhaps this woman has latched onto this awful cause because she knows there is nothing else she has that counts as heritage? So atomized that she needs to ascribe to grievance and the maintenance of gender to keep from floating off into space?
TWO: Ron DeSantis, what a dog turd this one is. They all are, of course. But this one with his big ass head and his rotten, cynical cultural grievance. You can smell the craving for power on him, inhale it deep like WD40 out of a bag somewhere in Tallahassee. The guys doing a performance of Trumpism are even worse than Trump, just because you can’t taste the deep well of emotional neediness in him anywhere. He does not seek love from his father, validation from the crowds. He just wants to feel the world writhing under his bare foot. He and Abbot are in a death race to do as much nasty shit as possible before the Republican primaries, so they can both present their separate piles of vomit to the Republican primary voting base and say please vote for me and then cross their fingers and hope that our country’s fucking stupid election system and propensity for making sure non white people don’t vote will usher him into office. Really fucked up that he stands in broad condemnation of homosexuality when the only way he can come is by ordering a drone strike on a Yemeni wedding, and is whole life is a single minded journey towards making that first nut happen.
THREE: I will explain bulk of JLJ’s grievance, in case you don’t want to watch this whole video like I have more than once now. My daughter (misgendering) asked to be identified as a boy. We said: no. We think you are being influenced by your friends, we so we will not do that. Out daughter said the same thing to her teachers, they said, yeah, sure. They came up with a plan to do this. And then, you won’t fucking believe this, they also decided to not tell us, her parents, because FOR SOME REASON they thought that WE might not approve of this and that WE might do something irrational if we found out! Her parents! Making a DANGEROUS ENVIRONMENT? For HER OWN DAUGHTER?
FOUR:
She grimaces and breathes deeply at the start of the speech. By the time she had graduated to standing aside DeSantis as he mines her grievance for gender conformist votes, she has gotten better at stuffing the immense anger she feels about this deeper inside, but here at the beginning of this crusade, she is still lit the fuck up that a teacher might think that January Littlejohn isn’t a perfect mother.
“I am a stay at home mom to THREE AMAZING children.” A bucket of signifiers: I am a good mom, actually, because I don’t work, which means I am not poor, which is another good quality I have as a mother. “I spend most of my days volunteering at their schools like most typical stay-at-home moms, taking them back and forth to theater practice, swim, etc.” I am normal, a product of normalcy. The grand order lives in me and I ought to command respect for that. But, you won’t Believe What Happened Next.
FIVE: “It’s no revelation that covid lockdowns caused a rapid decline in the mental health of our teens and out children.” True, yes. But also: signifying. I had normal problems until the government stepped in and enacted a standard playbook for controlling the spread of disease (I am sure she took quarantine really seriously.) which in turn made my kid trans.
“Our thirteen year old daughter was no exception: she became more withdrawn, anxious and depressed.” It was only because of quarantine. It had nothing to do with me, my husband, or anything we expected of her. We are NORMAL. You recall when I said I was a stay at home mom? See my hair? Blonde. Normal.
“Leading up to COVID, she had a friend group that was OBSESSED with anything to do with LGBTQ letters.” I am not sure what “Letters” means here, but you know what, it would be pretty unfair to really dissect a goofy phrasing when I am also slagging on her parenting, so I’m gonna let this one go. I will presume that she was saying that her child’s friends were all really into gay stuff which… I mean… did it occur to her that this could be a signifier of something aside from the grand manipulations of society? Maybe something deeper in her individual psychological makeup? Hard to say.
SIX: “Three of the children had come out of non-binary or transgender within three months time.” I am not so… dense that I don’t realize that some of these kids might not stick with their gender nonconformity forever. When you are young you are seeking whatever you think might make you happy, trying on a bunch of hats and looking for one that fits, and the broader acceptance of gender non-conformity would naturally prompt a bunch you young seekers to try that hat on, to see if maybe that’s an identity that they could feel comfortable in. It is more than possible that January Littlejohn’s child is not on their way to a life lived as a man, and is merely trying this on and will discard it in a year or two. But then the next question is: who fucking cares? Who gives a shit? Let them try! Even if you don’t think it will stick, what’s the harm in letting them see if this fits them? Unless you are really, really against the idea of a family member being gender nonconforming.
SEVEN: “So when our daughter told us she was experiencing distress about her gender at the height of the pandemic, we were completely caught by surprise.” Okay, she actually says “Caught by surprised.” But tempting as it is, digging too deep into January Littlejohn’s poor syntax in a high pressure moment would probably detract from my broader argument, which is that her gender politics are fucking horrible and destructive. “She had expressed no signs of gender confusion and distress in early childhood or leading up to this announcement.” What happens to someone when they turn thirteen that might spur on some sudden discomfort about their gender identity? Goddamn, who can really know for sure. And what kind of environment might discourage someone from not talking to their parents about their feelings or their inclinations to gender nonconformity? Again, it’s really difficult to say.
“So we were trying our best to navigate these uncharted waters...” Not uncharted. Well charted. Like the Mediterranean Sea, this thing is charted. Here is what the chart says: support your child’s exploration non-judgmentally, get them a psychologist who can help them sort their feelings out, and don’t, like, lose your fucking mind over it. This is the best way to keep them from killing themselves, something that happens at shocking rates in the transgender community. “...and support her the best way we could, and help her through her feelings.” Through. Fascinating word. These feelings are an obstacle, but me and your father will help you through them, out to the other side, where you will be normal, like I expected you to be.
“We found a counselor and started our own research, which led us to Gender Ideology.” Our own research: like when John Stockton got the down low and dirty on the COVID-19 vaccine murking hundreds of elite soccer players in a matter of months? I am sure that counselor was serving your child’s needs and not your own, ma’am. I think very highly of your parenting skills. How could it not, what with the amount of research you have done into raising transgender kids? You’re doing double blind fuckin’ studies on Facebook, getting DEEP with your other friends who watch too much fucking Fox News and lose their shit over any deprescribed social higerarchy that they encounter.
EIGHT: “School started in September 2020, and I reached out to a teacher and told her the struggles our family(s) had been dealing with. We let her know that:
-”We’re not affirming our daughter’s preferred name and pronouns at home.” (Fucking rude)
-”We did not feel like this was in her best interest.” (Why did you feel that way, exactly?)
-”That she was receiving mental health counseling to help her process what she was going through. (We’re trying brainwashing, first.)
-”I also told the teacher I felt it was directly related to her friend group.” (Carts, horses, causes, effects. Who can truly know which is which?)
-”That my daughter has ADHD, which puts her emotionally immature and behind her peers” (ADHD Symptoms: lack of ease in paying attention, tendency to act impulsively, trouble staying organized, faking being trans so that your friends will think you are cool.)
-”And that while we weren’t affirming her name at home, I didn’t feel we could stop her from adopting a nickname at school.” (We tried.)
NINE: “I now know better. It turns out that the teacher I shared my heart with was the LGBTQ advocate on campus.” Oh man, holy shit, this is really funny. This is what would happen if Larry David were a transphobic parent grasping at straws to prevent their kid from exploring their gender identity. Here is what happens next: her kid hops in the car a few weeks later and excitedly tells her that she had a meeting with the school about his name and what bathroom he wanted to use. She calls the school, probably really not mad, even keeled, and says what the fuck and the school says uhh yeah we can’t talk about that with you. Then she makes this face:
And solemnly speaks of her sidelining: “I was volunteer of the year at this school. They knew who I was. I was not a stranger. I ran their coffee room. I knew all of the teachers (Apparently not well enough to know which one was the LGBTQ Advocate). I was there every week.” A vice principal and a guidance counselor told her that they could, by law, only attend the meeting if their son said it was okay. She presses on for multiple weeks, until finally the school lets her see a transition play, written by her daughter, a vice principal and “A social worker I had never met.” Expert targeting: Republicans violently distrust ANYONE who works for the government and tries to help people, especially if they don’t know them personally.
“They gave her the sole authority to decide if I could be notified of the meeting or attend, they allowed her to change her name or pronouns, her restroom preference, and even choose if she chose to room with males or females on overnight school field trips.” Her voice arcs into a pitch of irritation. “The plan also stated to use her birth name when speaking to us, in effect to deceive us of the social transition that had occurred.” They send her a copy of their LGBTQ+ support guide.
“In this very long guide,” she is actively complaining now, “...were three key points. Number one: parents are not to be informed when students announce a transgendered identity with school personnel. Number two: children are allowed to choose the restroom that matches their gender identity without parent notification. Number three; Children have a legally protected right to keep from parents information regarding their gender identity, and steps taken by the district to,” annoyance creeps in, “affirm that identity. Perhaps the most shocking was under a Q and A, and I will read. ‘Question: a student has exhibited behavior in school leading teachers and administrators to believe the student is LGBTQ+. Should the parents or legal guardians be notified? Answer: no. Outing a student, especially to parents, can be very dangerous to the student’s health and wellbeing. As many as 40% of homeless youth are LGBTQ+, many of whom have been rejected by their families for being LGBTQ. Outing students to their parents can literally make them homeless.’ Folks, this is a lie that is driving a very dangerous lie between children and their parents. These guidelines also send a message to the child that parents are the enemy, and that children need to be protected FROM their parents instead of BY their parents.”
TEN: What January Littlejohn apparently never came across in her extensive research about child psychology is that many children, especially gay and gender noncorming children do actually need to be protected from their parents. LGBTQ+ youth ARE often living under threat of physical and emotional abuse for their orientation and DO experience higher levels of homelessness as a result of coming out to their families. For a lot of teens living in environments that are hostile to their gender or sexual expression, family life isn’t the beucholia you are trying to create in your shitty house: it is something to be endured, a river to cross until the day they can stake out just enough independence to transition yourself into a new world where you get to be an independent person.
How dare they say that could happen in MY family! Actually if we found out, we would have had a rational response: we would have made our child’s gender nonconformity a national fucking issue, parlayed our anxiety into a statewide crusade against ANY child being able to come out to their teachers without getting ratted out to their parents, and aired this all out on as big a stage as we possibly can, so that we could, I don’t know, meet Ron DeSantis? Get booked in some nice hotels at conferences for transphobes? We would have had a rational response, as you can see, right here, as I castigated my child for their gender nonconformity in front of a hotel room full of right wing maniacs.
ELEVEN: I will not presume that January Littlejohn’s child was or is afraid of physical abuse. But it’s possible they were scared of something else: that maybe, just maybe, their mom would LOSE HER FUCKING SHIT over their gender expression, and proceed to go on a fucking WAR PATH that would climax with her addressing the people of Florida while the governor signed an insanely transphobic bill under the pretext of “Protecting children” from a shady homosexual cabal that is trying to turn all kids gay. Does this all feel like a proportional response to you, lady? Do you feel like you have your child’s best interests at heart when you drag their shit into public and flog it for the whole country to see? You don’t see how someone who was maybe more inclined to violence than you or your husband might that channel the passion you have for strolling around Florida and giving panic attack speeches about Gender Ideology into beating the shit out of their kid until they stop being gay?
Why do schools and teachers protect gay and trans kids from their parents? Because they did actually do “The Research,” learned about child development and child psychology and the home lives of children and they realized that oh shit, there are some things about being a kid that can be a fucking nightmare, and it is my responsibility to protect them from as much of that as I can. But confronting this truth offends people who are entirely too over-invested in the maintenance structures and other hierarchies, be they the relationship between citizens and the police, the sacrosanct nature of The Family as a prime social unit, the superstructure of gender conformity, or anything else that just seems “Normal” to you.